At first, I was all ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ, but then she said no and I was like ◔̯◔. A little later it seemed like I could just get away with a ♥‿♥. Boy was I wrong. Now it’s back to ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ. I told my sister about it and all she had to say was ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I don’t think I can take much more of this. (ಥ﹏ಥ)
The moon spoke to me the other day. One of those early evenings where the sun hasn’t set, but the moon got tired of waiting. Maybe you want to know what it said, yes? OK, well, it’s probably not going to make all that much sense, but the moon told me: ZX7-399. What? That’s what I said. I’m not saying that’s your response. That’s all the moon said to me. I tentatively glanced over my shoulder just to make sure no one else was around. No one capable of that sort of weathered stentorian delivery. Not a soul in sight. How can I be sure? Well, I was hovering in space. Not a lot of places for somebody else to hide. You’re probably thinking the same thing my second cousin Janx was thinking when I told him this very same tale: How do you know it was the moon and not the sun? I’ll roll my eyes at you just like I did at him. I’m not crazy–the sun hasn’t spoken to anyone in 473 years. But the moon’s outbursts, peals of wisdom, and cheesy jokes are well-documented.
It took me a few days but I figured out that this was a license plate on one of those mobile, metal boxes used for transport on the planet closest to the moon. Think of this as target coordinates. I now had a mission from the moon. And so, like any good asteroid, I aimed myself using the ZX7-399 coordinates. Used some quick calculations to adjust for the pollution index and the evening rush hour and headed for what the planet’s dwellers call Atlantic City. The device marked ZX7-399 would have been destroyed had it not been for a local politician whose parents were fond of alliteration. He had part of this bridge shut down on purpose to retaliate against some other politician. This altered the traffic pattern and sent me off course. So, instead of obliterating ZX7-399 as the moon instructed, I crashed through solid earth and into some sort of giant pipe that started leaking black liquid.
It turns out this pipe was connected to a whole underground of related pipes. The owner of these pipes realized they had suddenly been made useless by this accident. He stood to lose a fortune. He hatched this scheme where he would become president and have the federal government purchase all his land through imminent domain before anyone discovered how useless this property was. It was a mostly benign scheme as mass defraudings of the public go, but to complicate matters, unbeknownst to this wealthy tycoon, he had been under Russian mind control for several years. Every day he attempted to send a coded series of cries for help through some short messaging platform the humans called Twitter, but these cries for help were misinterpreted.
People were very confused. Small mammals began to commit mass suicide in protest.
And the moon? He just smirked crescently.
It’s like my favorite Borrelia burgdorferi is always saying: Necessity is the mother of infection. Ain’t that the truth! But truth is a slippery thing. Like an oh-shit! bar coated in astroglide. And necessity is in the eye of the credit card holder. Or, as Dora might say: Swiper no swiping. Let me break it down: The Left is Right that Right now is the exact time not to be Left out. We saved you a spot in right field. Hackers are fingering your personal data right now. Look–a celebrity did anything! Follow/Like/Fav/Heart/ThumbsUp/Reblog/Tweet me down the Tartrazine Brick Road…
Lo these two months I have been on the lam. In hiding. Hidden in plain sight. Masquerading as a mower of lawns. Deep under cover as a suburban dweller, dwelling in split-level perfection. Grilling dead cows over burning charcoal as the cat takes the life of small critters in the back yard. My digital empire overgrown with the pixelated moss of non-use. Trafficless content sitting quietly in its poorly lit internet ghetto. How like Ulysses I felt when I barged right back to my dashboard only to find not only did no one recognize me, but I did not even recognize myself; that is, I had forgotten my own password. I suspect all that is suspect. I await for that which requires waiting. Biding my time. Rebuilding quietly…